Dear fellow Millennials and Gen Z (and Gen X, if you can relate).

Have you ever faced all the aunties, your mom, siblings, cousins, and even friends that are constantly asking:

“When are you having kids?

“Are you planning yet?”

“Are you pregnant yet?”

“Are you finally pregnant now?”

Yes, some of these questions are sensitive and can be very offensive.

By the time you’re in your 30s, it is natural to feel like the whole world expects you to have children, because if you don’t, it will be too late (so they say). We women are constantly reminded of our “biological clock” and that we’re not getting any younger. Trust me, my knees and cholesterol levels are already sending me those reminders.

Whenever I get those questions, I always find myself struggling to explain and try to make them understand that parenthood is not for everyone. Some of my friends and family would tell me how “beautiful” being a parent is, while conveniently skipping over the sleepless nights, mental struggles, body dysmorphia, and even marital stress. Don’t get me wrong, I do agree with them on some points. I believe raising a child can be a profoundly beautiful experience. Watching a mini version of you grow and thrive is irreplaceable and so unique for different individuals.

But reality is, total fertility rate is dropping. From 2.02 in 2013 to 1.73 in 2023[1] with live births dropping drastically from 537,853 in year 2000 to only 93,500 in first quarter this year[2], we are heading into what many call a “child-free economy”. Although this may be bad for our ageing nation, I can really see why we are going down this path.

Here are my personal reasons, let’s see if any resonate with you:

1. Tokophobia

Tokophobia is an extreme fear of pregnancy and childbirth that can drive people to actively avoid becoming pregnant. It can be classified as primary (for those who have never been pregnant) or secondary (for those whose fear stems from a traumatic birth experience).[1]

For many of us, the horror stories shared by friends and family, or even a childbirth video watched out of curiosity, backfires by reinforcing this fear instead of preparing us. The thought of losing normal body function, never fully recovering, or facing complications such as back injuries from an epidural can feel overwhelming. These are very real fears, and for some, these fears are strong enough to prevent them from ever wanting to go through pregnancy or childbirth.

2. The not-so-great economy

It’s not surprising that the increasing cost of living can be one of the main reasons people are more discouraged to build a family. They simply can’t afford to. Giving birth can really put a hole in your pocket. Childbirth cost in a government hospital can go up to RM2,000 depending on ward class and complications. While in private hospital, childbirth cost can balloon up to RM25,000.[2] There are also added costs in early childhood development such as baby items that can take up a minimum of RM500 to RM1,000 a month, vaccine, and daycare can cost up to RM2,500 in urban or city centres. Cost to raise a child from childbirth to university is estimated to be between RM440,000 – RM1.1 million depending on the location and lifestyle choices.[3]

Wanting to have children should go hand in hand with being financially literate and secure. Parenthood is not just about raising a child today, but about planning for their future as well as safeguarding your own and these cannot exist in isolation. Yet many of us in our 30s are still living paycheck-to-paycheck, weighed down by rising costs and unstable incomes. In that reality, it is difficult to picture raising a child without adding overwhelming financial strain.

3. The rat race problem

In many advanced economies, women often show a double-hump labour force participation curve: they enter work in their 20s, pull back during childbearing or early motherhood, and then return in their 30s. In Malaysia, however, the trend looks very different. The study “Women and Labour Force Participation in Malaysia” (Syed Salleh & Mansor, 2022) uses data from the Fifth Malaysian Population and Family Survey to show that women with children are far less likely to return to the workforce once they leave. Factors such as number of children, marital status, education, and caregiving burdens (children, elderly, etc.) are significantly associated with non-participation.[4]

This has real implications for those considering parenthood. Leaving the workforce can mean lost income, stalled career growth, and reduced financial security. This does not just impact women, but also families that rely on each other’s income. Losing out on the rat race coupled with the high cost of childcare, raising a child in that economic environment feels not just difficult but risky. For many, not having children starts to feel like a conscious choice of responsibility rather than a regret or failure.

4. Where the world is heading

From the genocide in Gaza to chaos in the Middle East, from ongoing conflicts involving the world’s most powerful nations like the U.S., Russia, and China, to humanitarian crises in Sudan, Syria, and across Africa, the global landscape feels increasingly unstable. Add to this the persecution of minorities such as the Uyghurs in China, persistent world hunger, climate issues and rising social unrest, the world feels like it is lurching from one crisis to another. The future no longer looks like a place of stability and progress but of conflict, scarcity, and deepening divides. In such a world, the questions almost force itself out of prospective parents: why would anyone willingly bring a child into this chaos?

5. Mental health awareness

Mental health awareness has tremendously grown compared to few years ago. More people are open about therapy, anxiety, depression, and the lasting impact of childhood trauma. This shift is good as it reduces stigma and encourages individuals to seek help. But with awareness also comes self-realisation that your unresolved mental health issues do not only affect just you but can also have a spillover effect into your relationships, parenting and family dynamics.

The fear of being a parent is not just about the sleepless nights or financial strain, but more about unintentionally passing on insecurities, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or trauma to a child. A meta-analysis of nearly 200,000 mother-child pairs has found that maternal depression and anxiety during and after pregnancy are significantly associated with poorer social-emotional, cognitive, language, motor, and adaptive behaviour development in offspring.[5] This is further compounded by the fact that post-partum depression is common in Malaysia, where about 14.3% of mothers in Kuala Lumpur alone reported to have post-partum within the first six months after giving birth.[6] When you know that your mental health can directly affect not just your postpartum healing but also on your child, it does shift the decision to have children from a question of desire to an act of responsibility rather than avoidance.